Suicide walk.
Life to me, is pretty dark. We are born, we live, we grow old and we die.
I’m no stranger to suicidal thoughts. I have had them since I was very young. There were many ways to wanted to kill myself - the one that I thought was most plausible was jumping of Menara MPPJ (as it then was). Others include consuming poison and an elaborate plan to steal a gun from a cop and blow my head off.
My last suicidal thought was most probably when I was studying in Bristol. I’d like to say I have moved on to a more ‘positive’ plane now to inking and piercing myself. Ah, such turbulents I have in my head and heart. Always despairing and always wishing for an escape.
….
lol.
Was that scary? I just started typing and ended up pouring my heart out. I’m such an emo queen. Must be all the Smashing Pumpkins I’ve been listening to. Anyway, fret not, I’m not crazy. The actual reason for this post is to share with you all my journey on the Federal Highway …. ON FOOT.
Yes, ladies and gentlepersons - I walked along the Federal Highway several weeks back and I almost got killed. I wasn’t sure if it was some death wish I subconsciously wanted or some adventure I badly needed or this extreme error in judgment. I had to cover the election debate at SFX on Jalan Gasing and I was thinking the most logical way was to take the LRT from Bangsar to University then cab it to the church.
Oddly enough, after I got down from the train at the station, I just thought of walking. I do love walking but I didn’t realise how dangerous it was. It was around dusk that time and the sun was setting. I knew I will never do this ever again so I took out my camera and documented the journey.
Yellows and blues ahead :)
I only began snapping pictures midway. Here’s the flyover from Pantai Baru to the Federal Highway as I looked back.
The traffic that surrounded me.
I concluded that it was safest in the motorcycle lane. I was wrong. It was just as dangerous.
Here’s a shot of Kota Darul Ehsan bike lane all lit up, up close, in vivid setting!
The underside. The colours in real life was a lot more magnificent.
I like how the flags are billowing in the wind. I felt a strange sense of pride to be a PJ girl :)
Kota Darul Ehsan in a distance. And a stupid road sign spoiling the picture :|
More traffic as I approach the turn off to Jalan Gasing.
March 26th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Strange….lately I have been thinking, wondering and missing the man who used to walk up and down the same stretch of Federal Highway with his faithful dog. Morning to evening. Day after day. Year after year. Even during raining days. Even on miserable nights. Such consistency. Does anyone remember him? Where is he now? The dog has probably passed away. :(
March 26th, 2008 at 11:06 am
PJ is infact a lovely place.I really love that place.A great town that has turned a city. Rapid development and poor planning. Congested roads and pot holes.
But PJ has now fallen into the trusty hands of PKR-DAP-PAS…and hopefully they lead it to better living.
I just love the pics you took.Can you give me permission to save it?
March 26th, 2008 at 11:21 am
rahul: sure! i can even give you the ones in original resolutions if you like :) i’ll put them up in my flickr soon and i’ll email you :) let me know. hidup PJ! :)
March 26th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Great pics. I have passed by that area both by bike and by car. Now people know how dangerous the bike lane is. Anyway, have something to share with you based on how you were feeling suicidal and all. But its these compulsive actions of doing something out of the norm which helps us balance our sanity, no?
Death & Life
You cannot be frightened of the unknown because you do not know what the unknown is and so there is nothing to be afraid of. Death is a word, and it is the word, the image, that creates fear. So can you look at death without the image of death? As long as the image exists from which springs thought, thought must always create fear. Then you either rationalize your fear of death and build a resistance against the inevitable or you invent innumerable beliefs to protect you from the fear of death. Hence there is a gap between you and the thing of which you are afraid. In this time-space interval there must be conflict which is fear, anxiety and self-pity. Thought, which breeds the fear of death, says, ‘Let’s postpone it, let’s avoid it, keep it as far away as possible, let’s not think about it’- but you are thinking about it. When you say, ‘I won’t think about it’, you have already thought out how to avoid it. You are frightened of death because you have postponed it.
We have separated living from dying, and the interval between the living and the dying is fear. That interval, that time, is created by fear. Living is our daily torture, daily insult, sorrow and confusion, with occasional opening of a window over enchanted seas. That is what we call living, and we are afraid to die, which is to end this misery. We would rather cling to the known than face the unknown - the known being our house, our furniture, our family, our character, our work, our knowledge, our fame, our loneliness, our gods - that little thing that moves around incessantly within itself with its own limited pattern of embittered existence.
We think that living is always in the present and that dying is something that awaits us at a distant time. But we have never questioned whether this battle of everyday life is living at all. We want to know the truth about reincarnation, we want proof of the survival of the soul, we listen to the assertion of clairvoyants and to the conclusions of psychical research, but we never ask, never, how to live - to live with delight, with enchantment, with beauty every day. We have accepted life as it is with all its agony and despair and have got used to it, and think of death as something to be carefully avoided. But death is extraordinarily like the life we know how to live. You cannot live without dying. You cannot live if you do not die psychologically every minute. This is not an intellectual paradox. To live completely, wholly, every day as if it were a new loveliness, there must be dying to everything of yesterday, otherwise you live mechanically, and a mechanical mind can never know what love is or what freedom is.
Most of us are frightened of dying because we don’t know what it means to live. We don’t know how to live, therefore we don’t know how to die. As long as we are frightened of life we shall be frightened of death. The man who is not frightened of life is not frightened of being completely insecure for he understands that inwardly, psychologically, there is no security. When there is no security there is an endless movement and then life and death are the same. The man who lives without conflict, who lives with beauty and love, is not frightened of death because to love is to die.
Freedom from the known
March 26th, 2008 at 11:31 am
OMG…that definitely wasn’t a safe thing to do…but good shots nevertheless…
Someone up there was looking after you..
March 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
jump only la..one less annoying ‘miss know it all’ in town.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I read the subject “Suicide walk”. It scares me to death as I thought instantly you ar trying to commit suicide. I thought Nat. dumped you. No. No. Who is gonna procure news for Malaysiakini? Long live my friend.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
you are chi sin, but that must’ve been an awesome walk.
March 26th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
ex-lover: jump and please you? hell no. even if i did, i’m sure you’ll keep coming back for more :)
March 26th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
If Politikus wants to commit real suicide, I will join ya. But u jump first. Nice to have you back. Fully recharged?
March 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
harrison: just barely. things around me are still hectic :( but thanks for asking!
March 27th, 2008 at 7:36 am
OMG home!!!! Aww….you’re making me all homesick. I never knew the arch could look so beautiful even though I pass it all the time. Must be the camera you’re using. What type and model of camera do you use? Can I also have the pictures in all of its glorious full resolution please? Thank you! Btw, it is the craziest thing you could ever do and should never be repeated. Might not be so lucky second time around.
As for suicidal thoughts, I think many people have them but do not dare to admit it as it’s always associated with depression, which I think is a misconception. Having random thoughts (including suicidal ones) are only part of being human. I’ve thought about it and I think it’s okay as long as you’re pretty sure you’re not gonna do anything about it. In other words, have your feet planted firmly on the ground.
P/S: Heard you met my sister at one of the ceramahs in SFX. I laughed and told her that meeting high school friends at ceramahs is sign of how much she’s aged. =)
March 27th, 2008 at 11:31 am
“I’m no stranger to suicidal thoughts”
Think of this when the thought arises:
“The chance for a life is lesser than the chance of a blind turtle swimming in an open ocean surfacing for air once every hundred years through a yoke on a floating driftwood.”
Life does not come easy. There is a mystical reason why we are here. We have the power to destroy this term or let it run its course. Some animals have to resort to killings in order to survive. Most people do not have to do so.
“Life to me, is pretty dark. We are born, we live, we grow old and we die.”
Then what is the purpose of life?
I would begin with death. Let me share two of the three teachings about death that I recently refreshed after a good 20-year break.
1. Death is certain. A great emperor once tried to prevent death by consuming mercury.
2. Death can happen anywhere and anytime. “Lucky ones” live through their lives but some die before birth, some die young while others die unexpectedly.
Life is dark when we encounter sufferings from all sorts; sickness, worries, pains, ill feelings, conflicts, anxiety, depressions, lost of love ones, afflictions, and the list goes on. The roots can be traced to greed, jealousy, and delusions.
If I believe there is life after death then I should prepare myself now for a better life in the future. If I believe there is no life after death then I should enjoy this life to the fullest without regrets. If enjoying this life includes helping others, mitigate sufferings, promote peace and happiness, spread compassions, I would do it in a heartbeat. Suicide therefore is never part of the equation.
We all have dark moments because we are human and the situations we are in. We also have wisdom because we are human. We have the ability to use wisdom to overcome dark moments. The power of human mind is incredible which makes us very special.
Love is great but life is sacred. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to write.
“OM MANI PADME HUM”
March 28th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Had my fair share of hazardous treks during my too-poor-to-drive-as-an-intern days. Tell you about it later.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Death is…
“…Not a single man dies without being called by the pit in which he is buried, which declares, “I am the house of gloom, and of loneliness and solitude! If you were obedient to God during your lifetime then today I shall be a source of mercy for you, but if you were rebellious then I am an act of vengence against you. The obedient who enter me shall come forth joyful, while the rebellious who enter me shall emerge in ruin…
…..if a man is laid in his tomb to be tormented or afflicted by something which is odious to him, his dead neighbours call out to him, saying, “O you who leave your bretheren and neighbours behind you in the world! Was there never a lesson for you in us? Was there no clue for you in our preceding you? Did you not see how our actions were servered from us while you still had some respite? Why did you not achieve that which passed your bretheren by?” Then the regions of the earth call out to him, saying, “O you who were beguiled by the outer aspect of the world! Did you not take heed from your relatives who had vanished into the earth’s interior? Those who were beguiled by the world before you and then met their fate, and entered into their graves? You watched them being borne aloft [To the cemetary], availed nothing by those they loved, and taken to the abode which they could not escape…”‘
May we learn and contemplate - Quoted from: http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/alghazali.html
March 29th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Have to say the first part was pretty scary.
Nice pics.
Isnt SFX much closer to that lrt station near amcorp mall? walk from university thats very far.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
may i know where is menara MPPJ? cause i want to go over there.